I Couldn't Help But Wonder...
Hi, and welcome to this first edition of rated r, a newsletter of film and tv and maybe book reviews, by me. Thanks so much for wanting to read this in the first place, for subscribing, and for reading <3
Most of all of you know me - but I should mention I am a Capricorn sun, Scorpio rising, Aries moon with a BFA in Photography, and am currently pursuing an MFA in Studio Art. Some of this will be theoretical, and I will try to keep that to a minimum. Some of it will probably be diaristic, some of it will have spoilers, some of it may feel irrelevant. I will definitely swear and talk about sex (sorry Mom). For me this is a way to keep track of what I’m watching as I finally have time to watch films that have been on my pages-long list, but as I try and get better at writing about them. So I hope you enjoy it.
Onward.
Desert Hearts, 1985 dir. Donna Deitch
A few days ago, I was putting together a list of lesbian films for a friend of mine. She’d expressed an understandable amount of enthusiasm for Portrait of A Lady on Fire, and I wanted her to see more great gay films. As I was compiling the list (if anyone wants it, I will send to you), I knew I needed to include Donna Dietch’s 1985 classic Desert Hearts. I reluctantly admitted to my friend that I’d never seen this film. Queer people in the audience will likely gasp at this admission - I know I know, it’s one of those I know I need to see it but I’ll eventually get around to it things. In college, I interned at the Lesbian Herstory Archives in Brooklyn with the photography collection. I was charged with creating a digital catalog for the entire collection, which is housed in a stuffed-to-the-gills file cabinet. I rifled through stacks of promotional photographs for this movie. I think I never made an effort to see it because it looked too saccharine to my 21/22 year old self, which is hilarious in retrospect. I can see why so many people (and possibly the production itself) had donated promo cards, photos, posters of this film to the Archives - it is truly brilliant.
Set in Reno in 1959, the film follows the story of Vivian Bell, a Columbia English professor makes the trip west to file for divorce from her husband. She stays at a ranch kept by a slightly-unhinged, tough-ass woman who rents rooms to women seeking divorces for the legally required 6-8 weeks it takes for the transaction to go through. Coincidentally, this ranch-matriarch’s wily, lesbian daughter Cay also lives on the property. What follows is a slow, incremental unraveling of Vivian’s uptight to the point of frigid character, and her descent into love with a woman 10 years younger than her. Aesthetically, you can’t go wrong with this film. It was shot on a shoestring budget but you could never tell that. There are so many beautiful, expansive shots of the desert (one of the sunrise moments made me weep). The costuming is gorgeous, and has that feeling that most movies made in the 80s about the 50s have - that both decades’ fashion got thrown into a blender and came out on the other side even more delicious than before. The warmth of the neon lights of Reno’s casinos, the yellow wallpaper of its hotel rooms, the vibrating warm tones of Patsy Cline and steel guitar radiate just the right amount of heat.
What I find so endearing about this film is the open secret of Cay’s gayness, the way in which her best friend at the casino and her fiancé love her for it, the endless swagger when she enters a room. Her butch, toothy smile is the exact opposite of Vivian’s pursed, lipstick stained mouth. And it’s almost cringe-y when they first kiss (in the rain, of course, after a night of drinking), Vivian’s tight lips finally giving in to Cay’s warm, open ones. Don’t even get me started on The Sex Scene which is a perfect, painfully slow and silent release of pent-up want. Cay’s mother simultaneously needs her and disapproves of her, and Cay pleads with her to accept her when she finds someone who counts. Vivian wants to leave a marriage that was mostly for show, and it’s clear she needs passion, and to take control of who she is. Cay and Vivian are not only lovers, they are two women carving a way through the world that won’t accept them for who they are immediately, but might if they’re just persistent enough. This film is great because it takes you through a real slow-but-raging burn of desire. One that mimics most “period” gay films, but gives us alternative love of all kinds - a complicated matriarchal relationship, single women caring for one another outside marriage, and most importantly, a love that dare not speak its name.
Desert Hearts is captivating from the moment it begins, and trust me, you will be running to get a white, sequined satin jumpsuit and a 1950s Cadillac as soon as you possibly can. 10/10
Streaming on: Criterion Channel, Showtime, Hulu
Sex and the City, Selected Episodes
I’m sure you all know I have an unhealthy obsession with the famed HBO series, Sex and the City. This morning, I completed my umpteenth re-watch of the series, and I feel it’s only fitting to talk about a few of my favorite episodes. There WILL BE SPOILERS, so if you care about that kind of thing, feel free to skip this part.
Season 2 Episode 6 The Cheating Curve
This is the infamous Power Lesbian episode, in which Charlotte hangs out with a bunch of rich, beautiful lesbian women and gets told by their matriarch “Honey…if you don’t eat pussy, you’re not a dyke!” There are obvious (read:gay) reasons why I like this episode, but I’m really in it for the Carrie storyline, in which she starts secretly seeing Mr. Big again. Each woman is engaged with some kind of “cheating”: Miranda is seeing a man who has to watch porn while they have sex, Samantha gets her pubic hair shaved by her gym trainer (and she’s not the only one…), Charlotte is engaged in some lesbian tourism. But it all hinges on the friend group’s distrust and justified disgust that Carrie would get back together with a guy that was such an asshole to her. After seeing the series about a million times, I’ve decided that they were kind of both assholes, which is why they totally deserve each other in the end. This episode is great for laughs, really funny depictions of some kind of magical lesbian elite, and Carrie needing to face herself and her choices: is she really a moral authority, or does she need to be more honest with herself?
Other notable season 2 episodes: The New Yankee Episode, The Hamptons Episode, The Season Finale
Season 3 Episode 12 Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
In my opinion, this is one of the better dramatic episodes in the series. By now, Carrie has gotten together with Aidan, cheated on him for weeks with Big, been chased by Natasha down the service staircase of her apartment building, and now she is “released” from the affair. But of course, she is racked with guilt. Carrie considers whether or not she should tell Aidan about Big while simultaneously performing maid-of-honor duties for Charlotte’s lavish wedding to Trey. I keep being attracted to episodes where Carrie must face some of her more immature faults. Which makes sense because we’re supposed to identify with Carrie - she’s the protagonist and also the most developed character at this point. This episode features Charlotte’s horrifying confession to Carrie that Trey can’t get it up literally the second before she walks down the aisle, an explosive fight between the Charlotte and Samantha at Vera Wang (“DO YOU HAVE TO WEAR YOUR SKIRT UP AROUND YOUR SEE-YOU-NEXT-TUESDAY???”), and the ending resolution that, no matter what, your friends will have your back. Carrie does tell Aidan, by the way.
Other notable season 3 episodes: The L.A. Episodes
Season 4 Episode 2 The Real Me
Season 4 is the best season. Miranda’s hair color is right. Everyone is styled perfectly. The plot lines are complex and tough and deal with a lot more real shit than the rest of the series. It’s clear everyone is growing up, and the writing and acting matures alongside it. This is the episode where Carrie walks in ‘New York Style’ a benefit fashion show. She has to be convinced by her friends and a HILARIOUS Margaret Cho (I want a sound clip of her saying “Yes, Fuckette” to Carrie playing at my funeral) that she is in fact “modelly enough to be a model”. Carrie insists that she is a writer not a model , which makes no sense whatsoever as a binary (“I can’t wear jeweled panties, I am a writer”). Considering she consistently maxes out credit cards buying high fashion and pulls extreme looks on the daily, it seems like she could just concede that she is a “model”. Anyways, Samantha has a nude photoshoot for simply her own satisfaction, Miranda gets over confident with a guy she met at the gym, and Charlotte has vulvodynia (“MY VAGINA IS DEPRESSED!”). Of course, Carrie trips and falls on the runway, but - it is ultimately a lesson to all of the women that they can accept themselves, flaws and all, and show the real them.
Ps - If you’ve ever heard me say “What’s her problem”, or “Fuck.Me.Hard”, I’m quoting this episode. I might be able to recite whole scenes of dialogue from this one.
Season 4 Episode 11 Coulda Woulda Shoulda
This episode….just, ugh. This is my favorite episode. Miranda finds out she’s pregnant by Steve (one time, mercy fuck), and Charlotte finds out she only has a 15% chance of conceiving a child naturally in the same day. Miranda decides to have an abortion, and Carrie and Samantha revisit their abortion stories. By this time Carrie is back together with Aidan (eye-roll, I hate him), and lies to him about having had an abortion in her early twenties. This episode is full of reconciling with hard truths, dealing with life’s curveballs, and figuring out how to navigate complicated and painful situations with your friends. In the end, Miranda decides to keep the baby, and Charlotte, teary-eyed, squeals with joy. It’s heartbreaking and beautiful. Bonus points for a Lucy Liu/Birkin bag/Samantha subplot.
Season 5 Episode 8 I Love A Charade
Season 5 is about two seconds long and really terrible. You could skip the whole thing, tbh. I’d make a pit-stop at the end of episode 4 so you can hear Samantha’s empowered rant about how she will give blow-jobs as long as she can breathe and kneel…but skip to the end. This one is an homage to New York summers, Broadway, and the idea that marriage is maybe not just about love - it’s about companionship, joy, a long lasting friendship. The four women go to the Hamptons wedding of Bitsi Von Muffling (an inexplicably chipper and campy heiress socialite in her 40s) and Bobby Fine (a flaming, rich homosexual musician). There, they must all confront their misconceptions about growing older, what “perfect” love really means, and who they should really end up with. Nathan Lane has a really great cameo. The ending of this episode makes me cry every time I watch it, and no, not because of the horrible cgi butterfly.
Season 6A Episode 12 One
Like all good prestige HBO shows, Sex and the City’s last season was split into two parts. This is the finale of the first section, and is just beautifully poignant. Charlotte finally gets pregnant and suffers a miscarriage, Brady (Miranda’s son) turns one, and Samantha dyes her pubic hair BRIGHT ORANGE (“I’m bozo the bush!!”). Not to mention, the episode starts with a really funny bootleg version of a Marina Abramovic piece, which turns into a meet-cute for Carrie and her penultimate boyfriend Aleksandr Petrovsky (played by Mikhail Baryshnakov). Weirdly enough, this episode introduces a piece of original score that pervades through the rest of the 6th season, that always catches me off guard. It features this weird high string part, and cello, as well as a kind of misplaced triangle part. It feels like the show is trying really hard to tonally shift to more serious dramedy, which it kind of does in its final episodes. What’s really satisfying and notable about this episode is Charlotte drawing strength from Elizabeth Taylor, Steve and Miranda confessing their love for each other in a laundry room, and Carrie on the precipice of a dark but good relationship. Now is the time for guts, and guile.
Season 6B Episode 8 An American Girl in Paris, Part Deux
Series finale. As a standalone episode, this is really not that great. It’s mostly for tying up loose ends. Of course, at this point, Carrie has moved to Paris with Aleksandr while he opens his first solo sculpture show in seven years, causing much dismay within her friend group. It’s clear to them, and to us, that Carrie has completely lost sense of herself. She’s throwing herself into this new reality because she feels like she’s outgrown the old one - but in truth, she’s just in another wrong relationship. In Part Une, Charlotte discovers Carrie’s abandoned laptop at her NYC apartment (serious plot hole, who the fuck would just leave their computer if they were moving somewhere indefinitely??), and she gets in touch with Big who confesses that he will do anything to get her back. So, the girls tell him to go to Paris and get her home. Meanwhile, Carrie becomes increasingly disillusioned with her new life in Paris. During the end fight with Petrovsky, Carrie really lays out for us the whole thesis statement of the show: “I am smeone who is looking for love. Real love, ridiculous, incovenient, consuming, cant-live-without each other love!!” And it’s not there, in Paris like she thought it might be. But, impossibly, Big finds her in the lobby of her hotel and finally fulfills the promise she asked for in the end of Season 1: he tells her that she, is in fact, the one.
Of course, a sarcastic, farcical and sincere show about modern love would end with an incredibly romantic gesture - but it also ends with the three other women moving forward with their lives and families in just the way they need to be. The ending shot of the show features Carrie and the fifth character in the show, New York City. Finally Big’s true name is revealed to us, in a moment that never quite feel big (ha) enough. Carrie fades into a crowded street, Manolo Blahnik bag in hand, and we (and she) are happy.
After this re-watch I found so many parts of the series to be incredibly bittersweet, considering how New York has and will continue to change post-pandemic. Ironically the New York of the series was already gone before COVID. But, the love letter to the city continues to hit so many of the right notes, despite being horrifically problematic at times. And you know, even though all the women found love at the end, they strengthened their love for each other the most and, by extension, the love for themselves. 8.5/10
I’ll see you all next time. In case you were wondering I’m a Miranda sun, Carrie rising.
Have good weeks,
Ron